With Blood On My Hands
There are many subconscious thoughts that restrict God's hand in my heart. They come automatically, they have been there for so long that I don't remember how they even started.
Why do I fence God in? Or is it fencing Him out? In this plentiful culture of
"dignity", this suburban Christianity, is God confined behind a cute
picket fence? He has to fit in with our lifestyle, not change it. Nothing too
"radical", too "extreme", too...different. The Bible
says to be different. We think this applies to the "sinful
lifestyle", but isn't this style of luxury, comfort, ease, and normal just
as sinful? I am not different. I am fitting in to the "good" society:
moral, polite, average people. Oh, I've been convicted about it, but eloquent
preachers with 3-point sermons have come up with differences and reassurances
such as 'God never said we aren't allowed to have nice things', 'God has richly
blessed us', or 'God has given us all things to enjoy'. How far have I gone to
call my own wants, covetousness, and desires- blessings? God's true blessings
are so, so much more than that. We consume our idolized money with our own covetousness and call it
"blessings".
No.
We cannot lie down and become average, decent, respectable people. We've
adopted this world's standards as our own. What am I going to say to Christ
when I stand before Him? How will I excuse my squandering on those little
things I thought He wouldn't mind, or notice? A soul could have been saved, a
nation in darkness touched, but we wanted that car, that movie, that game, that
book, that computer, that house, that nice thing.
"Was it worth it?" He may ask, and oh, how ashamed and heartbroken I
will be, while that nice thing burns up before my very eyes.
And my time, my limited time! How I waste it, recklessly throw it away on my
own lusts, yes, on my lusts.
Again, up come those defences- 'God isn't against our having a good time, as
long as it's not sinful', 'God knows we are human and need to relax, etc.', I
rehearse them in my mind every time I feel the twinge, the stab, the still
small voice that interrupts my thoughts.
Oh...when I reach heaven. What will I say when I look into His eyes?
My problem is... I want both. God, a relationship with Him, His blessings, His
love, His grace...and a comfy, enjoyable, normal life. God without demands. God
without sacrifice. God without persecution.
I am a decent, likable person. I don't get trapped in the "bad" sins that moral people of the world condemn. But my heart has been trapped by the mediocre life, money stored up for that rainy day, ideals, ambitions, luxury items, and Kodak moments. Not too different, I blend right in.
We faithfully attend church, read our Bibles, give tithes, but we still are not
completely dead to Self, not totally abandoned in the love of God. We prosper
in this country with food, money, extra nice things, and we are quite content
to keep it that way. We hear about starving children, suicide bombers, and MIA
Christians in restricted countries, but we say a prayer and move on.
I am in the grip of my ideal life and calling it God's will, that uncomfortable
notion of giving all to Jesus watered down through interpretations and
mega church preachers that roll out devotionals like a weekly newspaper.
Faithful Christians, we support our church, pray, run a program, maybe even
witness, yet we fit God into a scheduled time slot, and as soon as that time
slot is up, we stop communication. We focus our minds on the many tasks at
hand, not including God.
We say that the command to 'pray without ceasing' doesn't literally means
continual communication with God, but is merely a statement of how important to
God prayer is.
Where is my extreme devotion? The Church once had it, centuries ago. Did
nations really become more civilized and stop persecuting Christians, or did we
become more civilized so that they didn't need to?
Where is my passion, zeal, dedication, love, life? Am I so lost in God that I
would die for Him- or live?
This world is looking for purpose, faith, answers, something worth living and
dying for. What am I showing them? My lifestyle speaks a loud testimony making
my words ineffective. My desires and comforts, social reputation, status, and
pleasures take precedence over my Lord. I live the luxurious, comfortable
lifestyle that unbelievers live as well, but mine has God tacked on top, while
around the world people die of disease, famine, starvation, and no hope. Small
wonder we are scorned when we try to witness. Not necessarily because of Jesus.
It's because my testimony drowns out my words, shouting for all the world to
hear what truly matters in my heart. If I truly loved Jesus with all my being,
wouldn't that make me extreme?
If a stranger took a bullet for you, if a person you hated or didn't even know
died right in front of your eyes to save you, wouldn't that drastically change
the way you thought and lived, the way you treated others?
Yet...I have this, and I go on as normal, unaffected. Sure I say thank you, but
I know others are dying the same death I was pulled from, and I go on, comfy.
Perhaps I have a few more standards, good things I do, etc.
So it is written with the pen of our good Christian lives, the saddest event
this world has ever seen. A group of people holding a truth in them, a secret
that could save the world, and hiding it, because they are actually selfish.
They don't have time. They don't care. They push those disturbing thoughts away
and go on with shopping, having tea, earning money, or whatever they are doing. We give ourselves to our moral, decent desires that may not physically hurt
anyone now, but through an example of unbelief and lukewarm devotion, give over
this world to an irreversible death.
